


will i get it back, will i see you?

by boyscoutpaladin



Series: "i'll keep you warm." [2]
Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, I don't know how to tag this, POV Second Person, Spoilers for Episode 45, Trans Hardwon Surefoot, i will never stop thinking about gemma, it does not come up at all in this fic i'm just saying it cause it's true, learning how to deal with being dead, meeting your fiance after you've both been murdered, talking to your sister in a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyscoutpaladin/pseuds/boyscoutpaladin
Summary: Your name is Gemma. Your last name is still Bronzebeard, but you’re happy to say that it doesn't control you anymore.(Or, Gemma adjusts to the afterlife.)
Relationships: Gemma Bronzebeard & Jaina Bronzebeard, Gemma Bronzebeard/Hardwon Surefoot, Gemma Bronzebeard/The Pale Prince | Gerrard Coldain
Series: "i'll keep you warm." [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2156832
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	will i get it back, will i see you?

**Author's Note:**

> spoilers for episode 45!!!
> 
> me: im gay i like gay characters i will only care abt gay relationships  
> naddpod:  
> me: well, you got me! my hands are tied! guess i can’t avoid it!
> 
> anyway i still think about gemma quite a bit. this second part has been rolling around in my brain since about a week after i published the first part. i couldn't get it right, though, so i told myself to move on. obviously i didn’t and i came back to it but i think i got it right, this time around. at least, i hope so. thanks to birdy and trin, who i will talk about more at the end :-)
> 
> title, once again, is from debt by eliza mclamb. please enjoy! :-)

Your name is Gemma. Your last name is still Bronzebeard, but you’re happy to say that it doesn't control you anymore.

You’re in the realm of Moradin. You always assumed you would end up there, but you've been given more power and knowledge than you would've expected. You suppose it’s because your murder was arranged by your own father for political gain. Maybe Moradin just felt bad for you. Whatever the reason, you’re not about to question it.

You are ageless, forever twenty-three. There’s something kind of nice about staying young forever, but your chest aches just a little at the thought of never growing old on the mortal plane. You try not to think about it too much. There are a lot of things you’re trying not to think about.

* * *

In Moradin's Forge, the spirits of noble warriors bear marks of the wounds that killed them. They often present them proudly, wearing clothes that reveal the spaces on their necks or faces or chests where they were slain.

Sometimes they ask to see yours. You just gesture to your long white dress and crack a half-smirk as you say that it’s somewhere you can’t show. That normally gets a raucous laugh, a slap on the back, and another round of ale for everyone at the bar. 

While nobody’s looking, you stare down into your drink and try not to think of the open wound in your back, about the length of your pointer finger. You can only see it if you look in the mirror and twist your head awkwardly, but you've memorized what it looks like. It's harder to forget about than you wish it was.

* * *

You finally meet the Pale Prince - Gerrard Coldain, pride of Frostwind - and it’s actually a lot less awkward than you thought it might be.

He actually reaches out to you first: sends a message, says hello, asks if you want to get a drink and finally get a chance to meet. You say yes, because there’s not much else to do in heaven besides meet people and drink. And you're excited, but you're also kind of anxious; you aren't sure if your engagement is binding since you were both murdered in a political plot.

All your worries melt away, though, when you walk into the pub and he turns around and you see him for the first time. 

He’s incredibly handsome, with thick, dark hair and a long but well-kept beard. He's broad-shouldered, with strong muscles and a confident stance. You'd be lying if you said he wasn't your type.

When he sees you, he smiles and makes his way across the room to you. “Gemma Bronzebeard. It is good to finally meet you.” 

You wonder if he’ll go to kiss your hand, or maybe bow, but he surprises you when he offers out his hand for a handshake. It’s a sign of respect you were never shown in your time on the material plane. Pleasantly surprised, you reach out and shake his hand. “Gerrard Coldain. It’s good to meet you too.”

His icy gray eyes crinkle as he smiles again, big and unashamed. “Come, you can order a drink,” he says, and he begins to move toward the bar. He does not take your hand or your hip and lead you there; he trusts you to follow.

And you do.

* * *

In the dream, you're standing in some kind of void. There's solid floor beneath you, but other than that, there's just fog and what looks like clouds swirling slowly around your ankles. Everything is bright white, but it doesn't hurt to look at.

You're not really looking at where you are, though. You're looking at your sister.

She looks mostly the same, except so tired and with so much more grief behind her eyes. When she sees you, her eyes immediately start to well up with tears. She runs across the empty space to you, and you almost start crying too as you wrap your arms around her. You can feel Jaina shaking in your arms as she sobs. You're the only person who has ever seen her cry.

The first words out of her mouth are, "I'm sorry." She takes in a shuddering breath, her face flushed from crying as she pulls away slightly to look at you. "I'm so sorry, Gemma."

"I'm sorry, too," you say. "I'm sorry you have to be down there by yourself, now." 

Jaina shakes her head. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my fault, I should have been -"

You cut her off. One of Jaina's many talents, albeit one you wish she didn't have, is that she always finds a way to blame herself for every act of evil in the world. "No, Jaina," you say, and you grab her firmly by the shoulders. "It's not your fault. It was Dad."

Jaina looks like she's about to protest until you mention your father. "Really?" she says, and you nod. Her face falls into an expression not of surprise but of sadness that she isn't really surprised at all.

"He made a deal with a powerful devil," you explain. "He had Gerrard killed, too. He wanted you to marry Gerrard's brother so the Bronzebeards would have a Kingshammer again."

Jaina's face turns stony. "That fucker," she says. "I’m going to fucking kill him."

"Sorry to burst your bubble," you say, "But I think someone else is going to take care of that."

"Hardwon?" she says, and you nod. She looks incredulous. "How do you know all this stuff?"

You shrug. "I know a lot of stuff, now. I think it's an 'Angel of Moradin' thing, or something."

"Sure," Jaina says, and lets out a huff of laughter at the absurdity of talking to your dead angel sister in a dream. Her face turns serious again. "Did you... did you get to see him? Before -"

"Yeah," you say, before smirking mischievously. "In fact..." you say, teasingly, "I did more than _see_ him..."

Jaina's eyes widen and her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "You _didn't_."

"I did!" You say, with a gleeful smile. "We just kissed." You falter for a second, and you can feel your smile start to fall away. "And then - and then I died in his arms."

Jaina's eyes start to fill up with tears again. "Oh god," she says, and she hugs you again. "Gemma, I’m so sorry."

"You already said that," you say, but you still hug her back tightly.

Jaina pulls away from the hug. When she looks at you now, her eyes are bright with purpose. "Don't worry," she says, "I’m gonna bring you back. I'm on Hardwon's airship and I'm going to Gladeholm and - "

"I know," you say.

Jaina stops. "Right. Angel knowledge."

"That's why I'm here, actually," you say, and you prepare yourself for the really shitty part of this conversation. "I'm here to ask you to turn around and go back to Frostwind."

Jaina's determined expression turns to one of confusion. "What?"

You take her hands in yours. "I don't want to be brought back, Jaina. I’m doing okay up here - really well, actually. I met Gerrard, he's great - I think you'd like him, actually. And there's more that I can do up here than I can on the material plane."

"But you don't _have_ to do anything," Jaina says, and her voice is so quiet, like when you were both kids and you'd stay up late talking long after you were supposed to be asleep. "You just have to come home."

"I can't," you say as you give her hands a gentle squeeze. "I have work to do here. And you need to save Hardwon and his friends."

A spark of irritation flashes in Jaina's eyes. "You want me to give up on bringing you back so I can - what, save your ex-boyfriend?"

"Yes," you say. "He needs your help more than me."

"But I need _you_ ," she says. A tear starts to roll down her cheek.

"I know," you say. You reach out a hand and brush the tear away. "But it's bigger than us, now. It's about all of Bahumia. And beyond that, too." You give her a look of firm determination. "You need to be there to make sure the good guys win. And so does Hardwon."

Jaina nods. She pauses and looks down at the fog that wisps around your ankles. Then, she says, "Even if I went to Gladeholm and got Jolene to Reincarnate you, it wouldn't work, huh." It comes out as more of a statement than a question.

You nod at her. "It needs to be a willing soul. And it's not what I want." You put a hand under her chin and lift her head so that you're looking into her eyes. "If you won't do it for Hardwon, or Bahumia, or the universe, do it for me. Please."

Jaina is still for a few moments. Tears are still welling in her eyes, but she looks certain now. "Alright," she says. "For you."

You smile. It feels like it's been so long since you've done that.

"I'm so proud of you, my baby sister," you say, and tears pour out of Jaina’s eyes for the hundredth time as she throws herself into your arms again.

You hold each other in your arms until you feel the dream start to slip away, the world dissolving around you. The last thing you say is, "I love you." The last thing you hear is, “I love you, too."

* * *

You and Gerrard are lying together in bed one night. You’re both sharing stories from your time on the material plane. Inevitably, Hardwon comes up. “You remind me of him, a little,” you say.

“Oh?” Gerrard says. 

“You’re both very loyal, and strong. You would both do anything for those you love,” you say as you smile warmly at him. “You can also both be incredibly stupid,” you say, still smiling sweetly, and you laugh as Gerrard protests and swats you lightly on the arm. You both laugh for a minute. 

When it fades, Gerrard’s expression turns more contemplative. “Do you think he and I would have gotten along?”

You think for a second. “I think you would really like him, but he would be jealous of you. He’s got some insecurities to work through.” Gerrard laughs at that, and you smile too.

After the laughter fades again, the two of you fall into an easy quiet. You break the silence after a few minutes. “I really loved him,” you say. “I still do.” 

Gerrard’s eyes, which were closed, open. He rolls over onto his side to look at you and let you know that he’s giving you his attention.

“He was the first person who ever loved me for who I was. He wasn't ever caught up on my title or my status. He looked at me and understood me and he chose me. That means everything to me.” You close your eyes and shift a little closer to Gerrard. He kisses you on the forehead as you continue. “I don't know exactly what that love means, but it's there and I feel like you should know.”

Gerrard doesn’t say anything for a moment. You worry for a second that you’ve upset him, but then he speaks. “I understand. Love is an important thing.” One of his hands begins to gently comb through your hair. “I was in love with someone, once,” he says. “A long time ago.”

You open your eyes to look at him. “Who were they?”

And he tells you. 

It was a halfling girl, studying at Gladeholm University, one of the first halflings to ever attend and the first in her family to go to school. She was doing a research project on the rift in the material plane, so she spent the summer in the Winter Wolf lodges at the base of the mountain. He tells you that she was brilliant. That he loved to watch her work. That she wasn’t his first kiss but she was his first love.

When he's done telling the story, you ask, “Do you know what happened to her?”

“No,” he says, and there's a bit of sadness behind his eyes. “I am sure she graduated, went on to do great things. Maybe met someone else, started a family.” He stops for a beat, then keeps going. “Or maybe she's dead," he says, and that part comes out a little broken. "If she was, I wouldn't know. She wouldn't come here, you know."

You nod. You reach out and take the hand that he isn’t running through your hair. There's nothing either of you could say to make the ache go away. so you don't say anything. You lie there together in the dark until you finally fall asleep.

* * *

You get to see Hardwon again, through the crack in the material plane. He looks near death, but you’re not too worried. The battle’s over now. And Hardwon doesn’t go down easy.

You put your hand on the invisible barrier between your two dimensions. He puts his hand up too, right where yours is, so that there's only a thin line of magic separating them. You want to reach out and touch his face more than almost anything. It's good to see him, even if his face crumples when he sees you and his eyes get heavy with sadness. Hardwon doesn't really cry; he's good at bottling up his own feelings to protect himself. But when he speaks and his voice starts to crack, it takes a lot of strength not to break down too. 

You tell him about Jaina, and how you didn't want to be brought back. You tell him about Gerrard. You tell him that you're alright, and that you're watching over him now, and that you hope he comes to Moradin's Forge when his time on the mortal plane has come to an end. He looks conflicted for a moment when you say that. You hate to put him on the spot, but there's nothing you can do about it. He’ll have to make that choice eventually.

As he continues on his adventures, he'll travel farther and farther away from the rift in the material plane. You'll still be able to see him and speak to him, but it'll be harder and harder for him to hear you. This is the closest the two of you will be for a long time. Maybe forever, if he ends up with his parents. 

You wonder if you'll ever see him again, face to face. But that's something you can't know, even with your newfound divine knowledge. You just have to watch over him and wait to see what he does next. It's not the worst way to spend an afterlife, all things considered. 

_I love you_ , you think, and you don't say it because it would hurt too much. But you hope he knows it anyway. And when you look into his eyes, you think you can feel him saying it back. You end the dream and send him back to reality. 

The rift shimmers until it turns to an opaque silver and you can’t see Hardwon anymore. As you continue to stare at the rift, Gerrard moves to stand next to you. He puts a hand on your shoulder and asks, “Why would he not come here? Because he is human?"

"Kind of," you say. "His parents aren't here. His father is with Kord and his mother is a revenant, currently. He never really met either of them while they were alive."

"Ah," Gerrard says solemnly. "Tough decision for tall-dwarf."

"Yeah," you say. "Tough decision for anyone."

Gerrard pauses for a moment, then asks, "Do you think he will come here? When it is his time?"

You let out a sigh. "I don't know," you say. "I would understand if he didn't. But I selfishly want him to. I want to see him again.” It hits you in your chest just how much you missed him over the last few years, how much you still miss him now.

Gerrard wraps his arms around you in a warm hug and kisses the top of your head. "I hope to see him here as well," he says. "I want to meet the man who loved you before I ever got to know you."

You pull away, just slightly, to lean up and give him a kiss on the cheek. "Let's go home," you say, and he smiles at you. For a moment, even at the top of the mountain with the snow and wind whipping around you, you don't even feel the cold.

You slide your hand into his. He falls in step beside you. And it's hard, but you start to walk away from the rift. Away from Hardwon, and Bahumia, and the plane on which you spent the last twenty three years of your existence.

When it's almost out of sight, you turn your head over your shoulder to look back at the rift one more time. It’s still shimmering silver. 

You smile. You turn back. You keep walking. 

Your name is Gemma Bronzebeard, and you’ve got your entire afterlife ahead of you.

**Author's Note:**

> i know nothing but pain. brian murphy owes me thousands of dollars in emotional damages
> 
> fun facts that i think are true about various naddpod characters:  
> \- hardwon is definitely bi. he is also oh so trans  
> \- gemma is bi :-)  
> \- idk what jaina is but she’s way too cool to be cishet  
> \- gerrard is. hm. idk if gerrard really knows how he would label himself. what matters is that he’s cool as fuck and also at least a little gay
> 
> anyway thanks for coming back to read the second part, or thank you for reading both parts for the first time at once. i'm glad that other people love gemma as much as i do.
> 
> thanks again to @nerdybirdy6602 - we had a multi hour phone call recently and at some point i mentioned this fic and talking to her about it is what got me to try to write this again. 
> 
> also, thanks to trinity, who is currently on episode 40. crying together in our twitter dms about gemma inspired me to finally finish this. so thank you to birdy and trin :-) <3
> 
> my dnd twitter is @boyscoutpaladin if you want to see me be insane on there. thanks again for reading, and i hope you have a good day/night! callooh callay!


End file.
